When it comes to the holidays there are few that can hold a candle to the polarizing stress of Thanksgiving. You are either stressed by having to spend the day with family or friends you abhor, or you are stressed from having to cook the entire meal by yourself while your own family asks if you need help then leaves the room. Or you are a sociopath and love every tiny detail about Thanksgiving, right up to hanging up your Christmas decorations after pie.
So let’s assume you would like a distraction from the Thanksgiving madness. Well, there’s an app for that. There are a bunch of apps for that. Escape into your phone. Your mom’s guilt trip about being single can’t get you when you are using these apps to help ignore the Turkey fueled chaos that is Thanksgiving. Sure, you can constantly scroll through your Facebook or Twitter feeds, but that will only take you so far, so here’s nine apps that will take you further.
Of course the obvious choice is to get the hell out of there and stop eyeing the apple pie like that. Tinder recently updated its gender options to be much more inclusive to the LGBTQ community. There are now an additional 37 options to chose from, which is pretty amazing. Every person, no matter how they identify, should have the freedom to be able to find that mid-afternoon hookup in the back of a B-grade restaurant. So if your backwoods second cousin is sitting across from you dropping less than subtle hints that he doesn’t approve of your own humanity, start swiping and get the hell out of there.
Oh yeah, Grindr exists too. Not sure yet how the Tinder changes will affect Grindr, which is primarily for gay or bisexual men. Regardless, nothing wrong with hedging your bets. It sure beats whatever that slop is with all the soft carrots in it, though to be fair, it is warm and soft.
So maybe you can’t leave. Maybe your grandfather needs you around to spoon watery potatoes into his wrinkled maw like you are nursing a baby goat back to health. Perhaps the best you can do is escape into your phone in a corner. There isn’t a better game for escapism on the market than Perchang.
This minimalist puzzler (which I’ve been frustratingly enjoying lately, even paying for the ad-free version) presents you with a combination of 3D thingies on every level. Your goal is to get the tiny metallic balls into the collection hole using the red and blue button. That wasn’t a Tinder joke. The buttons control a series of ever-changing gadgets, from a fan to paddles and lifts.
Perchang gets more complex as the levels go on and you’ll find yourself playing them over and over. A very good distraction to the fact that your mildly attractive third cousin keeps asking people about the potency of your blood relation.
If you have to listen to one more minute of why or why not your politically charged uncle voted or didn’t vote for Donald Trump, you are going to shove the entire casserole of steaming hot yams down his dumb throat. You need to relax. You need to get that anxiety in check. You pull out your Pax 3 vaporizer, but of course it is empty. So you pull out your phone and key up Massroots, a social media app to help you find the closest cannabis dispensary.
With more states legalizing weed, it’ll be easier to find it when you need it. Especially if you want to be able to stomach the disgusting amalgamation of melted shoe leather and the beaten down reject of the nut family that is pecan pie. What? Come at me.
Also see: Apple Releases Most Narcissistic Coffee Table Book Ever
As a fantasy football player, you need to watch every minute of every game or your players won’t score and you won’t win. You know this is true. In order to clean up in mid-week Draftkings leagues, you best watch the three contests on Thanksgiving day. The only way to do that without an argument surrounding the dim-witted bobble-head parade analysis currently on television is the Watch NFL Network and NFL Mobile apps. Sure, it’s not on the 4K UltraHD television you just bought at an early Black Friday sale, but it is better than watching Bob the freaking Builder float through the middle of the screen. Yes, the Thanksgiving parades aren’t on at the same time as football, but your family is watching the parade again on DVR because that’s how cool they are.
So you are cornered by some person you’ve never met before, talking about how their kids did some stupid kid thing. Everyone has been trying to set you up with someone else. You miss your ex. Sure, Thanksgiving with friends sounded like a great idea but now you are feeling more isolated and alone than ever, plus you’ve been drinking vodka and peach schnapps since noon. It’s time to drunk text the ex and try to drive over there to yell at the window.
Or not. Let’s not do that. First, open up Drunk Lock and fail to answer the basic math problems to unlock all your chatting apps. Then open up Endui, an app from the Maryland MVA to help determine if you are in fact, too drunk to drive. So it’s either passing out in the bathtub like last year, or call an Uber. You decide to fill your pockets with leftover turkey and take the Uber option. Good choice.
Air horn is a literal air horn. Your brother’s wife won’t stop telling you why she’s on an organic juice cleanse? AIR HORN. Aunt won’t stop touching your thigh? AIR HORN! Friends won’t stop trying to set you up with other single friends? AIR HORN!! The stranger your friend invited out of some sort of guilt complex stealing from the medicine cabinet? AIR HORN!! Hipster guy lecturing you on deconstructed coffee bean application when paired with Korean tacos? AIR HORN!! Already passing gas from too much beer and turkey? Go home already you savage.