E3 is an exciting time. Every year the gaming world comes together in LA to celebrate new games that we're probably not going to play for over a year (if at all), as passionate onlookers fill Twitter with comments so fetid the actual internet starts to smell of geek. It's also a time of speculation, making it ripe for list features. We came up with so many list features that we decided to make a list feature about list features. Here's 6 E3 list features we thought about writing.
Remember when Sony said you would be able to trade in PS4 games and the crowd in the auditorium lost their shit? Or when Square showed a trailer for Final Fantasy XIV (an MMO!) and the onlookers reacted like a group of 12-year-olds who had just seen the music video for 'Stacey's Mom' for the first time? These weren't monumental events. There were barely even bullet points. We didn't write this because it would be mean.
This one is pretty self explanatory. People (internet morons) love it when animals (who can't talk like humans can) appear to be saying actual real words. So there are bound to be dogs who bark in such a way to sound like they're saying 'E3'. It's content so vapid it would have been destined to be analysed by intellectual tryhards and referred to as one of the great think pieces of the decade. By forcing human traits onto simple animals, are we in fact telling an allegory about the state of YouTube comments?
Lol. The joke here is that there are no good E3 convention meals. All food sold inside the LA Convention Center is designed to cause harm. (Legal note: This is not true – Ed.) The VideoGamer office is above a Subway and in close proximity to a dozen chicken or burger places, yet it's still the healthier option. During a week that is so horrendously busy, serving food that slows you to a crawl is bordering on cruelty, but does get you in the mood for the badly performing pre-release game demos you're going to see.
The Microsoft man is bound to wear a cool t-shirt under his blazer at E3. It's also bound to be heavily suggestive, pointing towards an old franchise. But what if he uses the big stage to say something more important? We'd ponder such t-shirt choices as a green tee (still on brand) with the words 'Help Me!' emblazoned on the front. What would the crowd do? Nothing, probably, no doubt too busy pointing out the jaggies in the gameplay video for Crackdown 3. 'I don't even dress myself' might read another, throwing NeoGAF into chaos as they try to crack the code in order to work out that it 'obviously means Phantom Dust isn't cancelled'!
While E3 conferences give the illusion that they are a gathering of impartial video game fans, you'll find that a large portion of the crowd has some form of vested interest in what is being shown. That's why they will holla at just about anything that's said on stage. 'PlayStation Plus is required for online play!'... 'Wooooooooooooo!' 'This game that looks great is coming out in about three years!'... 'Wooooooooo!' We didn't write this because we realised it would mostly be Sony fanboys again.
Nothing is more awkward than video game executives and producers talking to celebrities live on stage at E3. Each year there's usually a battle over who can get the biggest name and then fawn over them embarrassingly for far too long while everyone watching just wants to see gameplay footage of FIFA. Perhaps Nintendo could get Kirstie Allsopp to talk about how wonderful baking cakes is in the new Animal Crossing, while doing an on-stage friendship bracelet masterclass with a group of local school children. Microsoft, meanwhile, would be trying to act 'cool' and 'down with the kids' by inviting Elton John on to play Halo Wars 2 against Dan and Phil. We didn't do this because we didn't want to give them ideas.